As little as possible.

Dreams in blue and I don't cry
The season of sun and brightest skies
Summer smells hang damp
Like life lessons dripping irony
Earlier now the sun turns red
And inches closer to the trees
A prayer for fire
The mandolin winds and tambourine leaves
Leave black in their wake
As the night brings a cool to it all
The glow of the day still rises
For awhile
As you sit inside and remember
And look forward
And it seems to take forever
And upon waking, like everything else
It is half a waste to open your eyes
She said don't open your eyes
Where is she?

So I was watching Chinatown for the first time ever. Great movie. I dunno. In the middle of it I got the urge to draw. Paused for about 2 or 3 minutes and sketched Jack. Felt amazing, and I'm happy with the results. It needs work, but reassures me that I haven't completely lost the ability, if only I find an outlet through which to nurture it. Man I need a figure drawing class.

So I look up "Music Exchange" trying to find some miraculous website with which to share musical things with others, and I come up with this. Pretty decent, really, and kind of makes me miss the city. I should be able to get to Summerfest the 28th and 29th for Wolfmother and Silversun Pickups. Badayass. Hopefully road-tripping with a couple of friends from work, but not many people have any idea who these bands are, let alone what Summerfest is. Unfortunately, most of the people I know who would know those bands I know through Steph. Sigh.

Its funny. This is only the second time in my life I've ever had to really get over someone. I mean, gone from feeling blissful and in love to feeling afraid to feeling depressed to feeling ok with everything. This time things seem to be getting a lot brighter a lost faster. Maybe it has to do with that one being the first... and me knowing nothing about relationships (and I still don't really). I just never have felt extremely close to any of my girlfriends. The first time felt like having my skull slowly crushed over about a 10 month period with breaks only for work, drugs, sleep and food... in that order. This time though, the horizon doesn't look so bleak. I feel more than ever ready to kick life in the pants and lead myself to the next oasis. Don't stop until I can sit in the shade and breathe the green life in all around me. Speaking of which, I've been smoking too much lately. That, though, is specifically why I believe it was so much easier to cope this time round. I guess, not entirely. Experience has to count for something. But I've spent enough nights driving the hour drive home high as shit getting lost in all sorts of music from the past two decades of my life (pretty much my life). I've had some of the hugest smiles I couldn't quite explain or deny as I listen to the Mars Volta rise to the top of my mind until my head grooves back and forth and my feet play drums that aren't there. Well I guess that's some explanation. Anyway, I feel like its helped me speed up the recovery process, and able to appreciate more I've felt a little numb to recently. A crutch and an escape.

Man. That was weird.

Wow. I wonder how I listened to music when I was younger. I'm sitting here, slightly bored, deciding finally to listen to some music. This is basically my routine. I put on Evil Empire. I bought this cd in, like, the 8th grade. I remember liking it, but it got kind of lost in my cd collection as I veered more towards heavier things. I read that now and think, wtf was I thinking? Heavier? This cd is so fucking heavy and good its fucking delicious. I don't know why I forgot about it. I mean, I listened to a bunch of other Rage stuff and got into the band, but I seriously haven't heard this cd in a good, ten years. No joke. Singles once in awhile, yes, cd, no. Like a breath of sweat and smoke filled air.
Ka-wit it now.
I kind of miss going to concerts. Over the past few months I've noticed more and more that I've missed heavy music like Rage, the first Breaking Benjamin cd, At the Drive-in, Slipknot (SLIPKNOT!), and Tool, to name a few.
NIN.
300 had what I would probably consider the best movie trailer of this decade. That and Freddy Vs. Jason's trailer. Badayasss-uh. Always hated Drowning Pool, never really liked NOESt or F13th, but man was that some brilliant editing.
What a dream fucking job. Making movie trailers.
Someone's got that job.
I haven't watched Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind since I wrote an 12 page paper on it. Its a shame.
Why does this feel hyper?
Must be the Rage. Understandable.

Listening to the Flaming Lips. Good stuff man. Its a cd they released of old recordings. Its called something like "1984-1990, representing a a love for recording... by amateurs."
Its hella good stuff... lots of long, nearly epic stuff. Real helluva try kind of stuff that ends up being unforgettable instead of timeless. Keith Moon drums gleam like gods.
So I downloaded the trial of WOW a few weeks ago. Played it for awhile, figured I might as well buy it. Broke up with the GF, and feeling a little lost in the scheme of unknown things, figured might as well not waste my time playing games designed to replace a lifetime.
However, a month agoish I found the original Metal Gear Solid at at Gamecrazy. PSX style. 3 for $10 or $7.99, so I grabbed Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver and some Breakout style game for Steph... waste. But still, super psyched about the PSX makeover. Got home excited to play MGS about 2 weeks ago, once I got time and everything slowed down its godamn spinning, I start it up. PS2 is supposed to make the PSX graphics just a smidge sharper... and it does. However, you cannot save a PSX game on a PS2 memory card. Shite. So I'm on a hunt for that. Lol funny enough they still sold them at Best Buy for $1 apiece for like the first 4 months I worked there in Fox Point. Hindsight's 20/20. Damn.
So kind of on the prowl.
Not feeling the most amazingly sure of myself, but sure I can't do what I always do and dwell on everything and feel nothing but sorry for myself.
So yeah, taking notice. Still hurts, but its a blink. Nothing more. A very meaningful blink, but a memory to learn from until I remember it in my mid-life crisis. I mean, its only going to hurt worse the more the feeling sits in my gut, so I need to continue losing the gut to keep it out of there for good. Sex would help, too. And fucking fantastic kissing... fucking, fantastic kissing, Flaming Lips and a bottle of rum. Maybe a little pot.
The pot is helping me focus on the positive. All I have to is listen to music or watch baseball highlights on sportscenter and I'm full of more positive emotions than a gay pride parade city streets of rainbow sherbert.
Mmm. Sherbert.
Why do so many amazing songs directly belittle God and Jesus. I mean, they're so fucking good, and yet I feel this tiny guilt inside that I brush away knowing I'm a decent person and something OK has to happen to me. I dunno, its just weird I guess. I mean, I'm not Christian, I'm not Buddhist, I'm not really much of anything. I just believe something's out there, and why feel so much contempt in that? The contempt in man is so fucking abundant these days, maybe that's the problem. We've already lost all of our faith in eachother, so what the fuck is left?
Really want to take a figure drawing class. Need a girlfriend to model for me. Steph was going to, but that spark took a shit on my floor. Just feel so desperately inspired as of about 2 months ago, like something is swelling inside and ready to burst. HOLY shit am I ready to burst.
Inhale.
And I have Ruby Tuesday stuck in my head somehow.
New Paul McCartney sounds fucking brilliant. Go figure.
Did I steal this writing style? I love it. Its quite fun to write this way.
Ahem.
Peace.